


Year One (Four Dreams)

by neonheartbeat



Series: A Handful of Stars [3]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Abandonment, Dreams and Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Face Punching, Force Choking, Hand Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, Masturbation, Night Terrors, Original Character(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rough Sex, Singing, Wet Dream
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-23
Updated: 2018-08-25
Packaged: 2019-07-01 10:07:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15771954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neonheartbeat/pseuds/neonheartbeat
Summary: Three times Ben has a nightmare, and one time Rey does. Takes place in the Handful of Stars 'verse. Snapshots from Rey and Ben's first year on Birren. Chapters are not in chronological order.





	1. I

_"You will go. Destroy the Hosnian system. Do not fail me, my apprentice."_

That wasn't right. Kylo Ren looked down at his black-gloved hands. No, this wasn't how it had happened. There had been—Hux? Where was Hux? _No,_ he tried to say, his breath hot behind the mask, _no, that's not my task,_ but it was like screaming into the void of space, his throat blocked from speech.

He was standing on the ground at Starkiller, silently staring at the thousands of white and black masks below him. His feet were trapped, locked into the duracrete, and behind him he felt the heat and the rumble of the planet as the superweapon powered up. He couldn't move, or turn, he only felt the excruciating heat as red light enveloped him, burning away his flesh from behind, and his last words were burned out of his mouth as he disentigrated, thinking of his mother's face—

_"Ben!"_

He jerked to wakefulness and sat straight up, panting. The crackling fire by his and Rey's bed cast a warm golden glow on his hands, and he looked down at them. No black gloves, only his hands. He turned them over, exposing the paler, calloused undersides, and exhaled, pressing his palms to his cheeks.

"You were having a nightmare," Rey said softly, and he turned away, the phantom dream-heat still crawling up his flesh. He didn't think he could bear to look at her.

"Yes," he said tonelessly, wiping the sweat off his forehead. "I'll be back. Excuse me." He swung both legs out of bed and didn't bother to grab a robe as he ducked past the rudimentary curtain that separated their quarters from the main training hall of the temple, hurrying past the shadows in only his sleeping pants.

Outside, the snow was still falling, already nearly a foot deep on the ground. The cold bit into his skin like a knife, waking him up fully and centering him. Ben dropped into a meditative position and closed his eyes, breathing deeply.

_You're safe. You're on Birren. Snoke is dead._

Snowflakes melted on his bare shoulders and stuck in his hair, yet still he sat; breathing deeply in his seat of ice.

_You're safe. You're on Birren. Snoke is dead._

He found his center, reached out and touched the Force, and let it enter him and flow through him. Slowly, his heart rate went back to something approaching normal, and as he relaxed he sensed her approaching.

 _Rey_ , he thought, and didn't think he could bring himself to turn around.

"You're going to freeze," she said gently, and he heard the soft crunching of her feet in the snow before a soft, warm hand touched his shoulder. "Ben?"

"I dreamed I gave the command and destroyed Hosnian Prime," he whispered, softer than the snowfall. "I dreamed Snoke made me do it instead of Hux. The cannon—it killed me, I dreamed—"

"That's not true," she said. "You didn't give the order. Hux did."

"I _know_ that," he said tightly, and worked the snow with his cold-numbed fingers. Maybe if he buried himself in the stuff he'd go numb all the way through, and never have to feel again. "He's dead. Snoke's dead. The Order's dead. And Hosnian Prime is dead."

"What do you want me to say?" Rey asked after a brief silence.

"I don't know," he said, and bent his head, shame and guilt threatening to drown him. "I'd ask you to tell me it wasn't my fault—but I know it was. I could have done something—I should have—"

"If you'd defied Snoke there, you would never have been able to get close enough to kill him later," Rey said. "And I'd be dead, too." She sat down beside him, wrapped in her thick nightrobe. "Your parents. My parents. Luke. Hosnian Prime. Hux. The people on the _Finalizer_ , Alderaan, everyone dead in the wars from before, stars going supernova, all the way back and back—there's a lot of dead things in the galaxy, Ben. But you and I aren't one of them."

"No," he said softly.

"But if we don't get inside out of the cold we might well be, so let's go inside," she said firmly, and stood up, extending her hand to Ben.

He hesitated for a moment, then took it and stood up, snow stuck to his pants. "Force, it's cold," he said, his teeth chattering as they made their way back inside.

They moved back past the large hall and into their quarters, the low bed a rumpled, unmade mess in front of the fire. Ben waved a hand and suffocated the flames down to a dim, flickering mass of coals before he pulled off his pants and tossed them into the basket by the door.

"Mmm, coming to bed like that?" Rey asked, smiling as she hung her robe up and stretched her hands out toward the coals.

"Well, you know," said Ben, joining her. "I hear it's supposed to be very healthy. Lets all your parts breathe."

She snorted. "Your hands had better be warm before you get into bed, Supreme Governor. _And_ your feet." Quickly, Rey climbed back up into their bed, tucking her feet securely into the blankets.

He let a small smile creep across his face before rubbing his hands together, hunched forward to feel the warmth. Fires were a bit backwater and outdated—most ordinary homes on ordinary planets used heating units or holograms to imitate the real things, and the pollution from smoke was always a concern on industrialized worlds—but he thought flickering flames gave a sort of ambience that was nearly impossible to replicate artificially.

_Burning red walls and the embers falling from the ceiling to the black floor. Rey's face lit in gold and red, tears of disappointment on her cheeks._

He turned around and saw Rey, illuminated by the dim light, one hand propping her head up as she waited for him to come back to bed.

"I'm coming," he told her, and watched as she smiled.


	2. II

Takodana was humid. Hot. Full of life and green things. Kylo Ren hated it. He could barely breathe inside the mask, and he was sweating, and the girl was frozen in front of him, arms trapped at her side, staring at him with fear and loathing in her eyes.

No, this is a dream, said Kylo Ren's brain, somewhere far away. This is a dream, and you're not Kylo Ren anymore, and that's your wife. But she was also the girl, the girl he'd been looking for. He knew how this story would go. He remembered. It had already happened, he thought. She had a name. He couldn't remember her name.

 _I hate you_ , said the girl. _Let me go._

 _You don't hate me,_ Kylo Ren told her. _You're just afraid of me. I can take the mask off. Look._

But the helmet wouldn't come off, no matter how hard he pulled, and the girl was crying now, big tears streaming down her face. _Monster. You're a monster._

 _I'm not,_ he insisted, and the girl was pointing at him. His troopers had come, and they were pointing too, _monster_ , and he tried to ignite his saber, but it wouldn't ignite. _I can take it off. I can! I can!_

 _You can't take it off,_ said the girl; but now her hair was loose, falling down her shoulders, and her clothes had disappeared, and he could see her nipples, small and pert and pink. _See, I can take mine off. It's easy if you know how._

 _Don't,_ he tried to say, but he was already hard, and the girl was walking toward him and reaching for him, and he was naked and wanted to hide himself, but his hands wouldn't move. They lay down in the forest and she pulled him down on top of her, and he was holding her close, his fear forgotten, and Snoke was saying _bring her to me_ from somewhere he couldn't see.

 _Kark you,_ he shouted to Snoke. _Kark you, she's **mine** —_

With a start, Ben woke. He was lying on his stomach, hips pressed to the mattress, his painfully hard dick trapped between the bed and his lower abdomen. He was sweating slightly, and his mouth felt dry as dust.

Beside him, Rey was asleep, her chest rising and falling in the dim light of the single glowlamp by their bed. Ben shut his eyes and silently cursed, then rolled his hips again. Force, the friction felt good. Almost better than his hand. He bent his head to the pillow and exhaled lightly, so as not to wake Rey, before thrusting a few more times, but thought better of that once the friction started to burn slightly.

Well, there was no hope for it. He pushed the covers back and reached for the personal lubricant they kept by the headboard, slicked his hand, and eased his fist down around his aching cock.

He couldn't stop a moan from escaping his throat, and stuffed his other hand between his teeth. _Be quiet. Be quiet, you idiot._ He conjured up the image of Rey, naked, water pouring down her in the 'fresher, hair plastered to her back, and groaned again, a whining, muffled sound. His fist kept moving, and he wished belatedly he'd gotten a hygiene wipe to clean up with after, but there was no hope for it now.

"Ben," said Rey softly, and he somehow knew she'd been awake for a few seconds, but hadn't really noticed, and then her hand was on his, and her lips were on his neck, and he let out a very unmasculine little gasp as her hand replaced his, pulling and pushing up and down until he buried his face in her hair and let out a muffled cry as he came, thick spurts of clear-white fluid dropping down and smearing across his skin. She kept her hand moving until he was done and edging into oversensitivity, then let go and rested her hand on his upper thigh.

He kept his arms around her, panting deeply. "Sorry," he mumbled, slightly abashed, when he got the power of speech back.

"For what?" she whispered.

"I…I don't know," he said, and stroked her skin. "I'll go—I'll get a wipe—"

"You stay put, I'll get it," she said, and kissed his forehead before slipping out of bed in her nightgown and going into their attached fresher. Ben took a few deep breaths and traced a circle absently on his chest, up where the scar tissue was thickest.

Rey came back and climbed back into bed, gently cleaning him off. "Interesting dream?" she teased lightly.

"Very," he said, and let his eyes trace over the curve of her back as she leaned across him and threw the soiled wipe into the bin by the door. "It was about you."

"Ah," she said, and snuggled her way back down into the crook of his arm, tucking her body up against his. "Do tell."

"We were on Takodana again," he said softly, tucking a stray lock of hair behind her ear. "You took off your clothes in the forest. It was—it was a good dream. I think."

"You think?" Rey chuckled. "Doesn't sound like a bad dream to me."

"Mmm," he said noncommittally, and tried to chase the flavor of Snoke out of his memory. "No, it wasn't bad." He put his arm around her and kissed her forehead. "Go back to sleep, sweetheart."

Rey tucked her head under his chin. "You only call me pet names when you're worried about something," she said, and let that hang in the air like smoke.

Ben winced inwardly and sighed. "Snoke was in the dream," he admitted. "Not—I mean, he was trying to make me bring you to him, and I was telling him to kark off. I couldn't see him. He was just…there."

"Oh," said Rey. "Well, thanks for telling him to kark off." She grinned against his chest. "Very considerate of you." Her body relaxed, and her breathing began to slow.

He snorted. "You're welcome," he said into her hair, and pulled the blankets back up around their shoulders. A quick glance at the wall chrono confirmed his worst fear: it was less than an hour from sunrise. "Ugh. It's barely five in the morning." There was no way he'd be able to get back to sleep.

"Mmm," mumbled Rey, and he felt her already drifting off. Envious of her ability to sleep apparently anywhere and everywhere at any time, he grumbled to himself, then kissed her on the head, carefully slid out from beneath her, and covered her up with the blankets.

On went his trousers, boots, and tunic. It was a chilly morning, and as he stepped out from the main hall into the grey predawn haze, he could see his breath, smoking in the cold air. The Great Hall was a fair walk away, and he could just see the glimmer of lights from the kitchen on the first floor.

Ben caught up a heavy training staff that was leaning against the outer wall with the others and weighed it in his hand. _Might as well get some practice in before breakfast,_ he told himself, and shrugged off his tunic, stretched, and sank into a deep lunge, the staff balanced in his right hand perfectly as the chill of the morning spread over his skin. Rey had been teaching the students how to use a quarterstaff for the past few months, as a precursor to lightsabers, and he'd started participating when he could. She was gentle with the children, but relentless with him, and more than once he'd gotten a black eye or bruised limbs.

Again and again he straightened, lunged, whipped the staff around in perfectly controlled movements; it felt like an extension of his own body, and he understood why Rey liked it so much. Warmth filled his body as his heart pumped hot blood to his limbs. Up, down, lunge, parry, sweep into a circular motion, left, right, turn—

_Whack._

His staff met Rey's, and she was smiling, wearing her undertunic, elbows and wrists wrapped tightly. "Good morning," she said. "Your footwork is improving."

Ben broke the parry and brought his staff to center. "Morning. Where are your boots?"

"I don't need them," she informed him, and wiggled her bare toes against the hard-packed, freezing earth. "Get your arms back up to block, or I'll give you a nice reminder on your ribs again."

He obeyed, and for the next fifteen minutes it was all footwork and parrying until the sun rose over the horizon and bathed them in a warm golden glow, illuminating the temple.

Rey drew back and tossed her staff against the wall. "Good work, Master Skywalker," she said with a smile, stretching her arms. "I'll wake the students."

"See you inside," he said, laying his staff against the wall and sucking at his bashed left middle finger, where he'd misplaced his hand during a block. Emdee could fix that, he thought as he headed toward the Hall. Not everything, but certainly a bleeding finger. Droids were useful like that. People were required for more nuanced and non-physical healing.

But he figured Rey already knew that.


	3. III

Rey ducked into the bedroom. It was dark already, and the thunderstorms of late summer had begun to darken the sky in the early afternoon, so she'd sent the students up to the Hall for a break. The rain made it nearly impossible to train in the yard, and Matron Yori was more than happy to sit down with a datapad and go over the history of Coruscant for an hour or so.

Meaning Rey and Ben had some time to themselves for a bit, thank the Force.

Her eyes adjusted as she shucked off her rain jacket and hung it on its peg. "Ben?" she whispered.

The distant drumming of rain on the roof set a gentle staccato as she approached the slumped shape at the foot of the bed. A quick poke with the Force confirmed: he'd fallen asleep, surprisingly quickly, one boot off, one on, and his head tilted back, mouth slightly open. His outer tunic had been removed; his inner tunic was loose at the throat.

"Unbelievable," she said, and smiled to herself. He looked tired even in his sleep, dark shadows under his eyes. He hadn't been sleeping well lately, and it was clearly taking a toll.

Well, she might as well let him sleep and do something useful. Rey stretched, her shoulders pleasantly sore from the morning's training, and went over to her shelf, a little niche in the wall she'd made herself during the construction of the place where she kept all her scavenged odds and ends, refurbished tools, hydrospanners, wrenches, soldering wands, and various other parts and pieces. Scanning the shelf, she figured she might as well get started on the broken glowlamp from the boys' dormitory, and pulled it out, fiddling with the screws to remove the casing of frosted transparisteel.

Ben shifted at the foot of the bed and made a noise. Rey glanced up, but he wasn't moving, and she wasn't one to pry into dreams, so she looked back down to the task at hand.

With a jerk, Ben bolted upright, eyes wide and staring, and screamed.

It wasn't a startled scream, or an angry one: this was a sound of stark human anguish.

Rey dropped the glowlamp, and it shattered into pieces on the hard floor. "Ben?!"

He screamed again, and every pore on her skin closed up, hard and nubbling into gooseflesh. It was a horrible sound, and she wanted nothing more than to make it stop. Both his arms flung out, and his legs kicked, as if pushing an unseen being away. "No! _No!_ "

Rey dashed for the fresher and got a cloth wet with cold water, her heart pounding. She recognized this. U'yi had begun to have similar episodes a few months ago, terrifying his roomates and scaring the life out of Rey the first time it had happened. _Sleeping terrors,_ Emdee had told her, and warned her to not try to wake up the afflicted, because they could lash out in their sleep. She'd had a bruise on her upper arm for a week where U'yi, gentle, quiet U'yi, had swung at her, not knowing who she was and sobbing in fear, screaming for his papa.

She quickly went back into their bedroom, thanking the Force that the temple was empty, and stood just at an arm's reach from Ben, who was still screaming, his body contorted and his feet kicking against the floor as his arms pushed at something she couldn't see. _He outweighs you by almost forty kilos. Don't do it._

But she couldn't just sit there and do nothing.

"Ben," she said loudly, and he didn't respond, just wailed again, eyes wild, and held a hand up to his face as if to block something. "Ben, wake up."

"Don't touch me," he snarled, his voice gone low and black. "Don't _touch_ me. Armitage. _Don't._ " 

Rey's breath froze in her lungs, and she found herself highly regretting not killing General Hux in a far slower and more painful way. "Ben." She knew he couldn't hear her, but she said it anyway. "Ben, he's dead. Hux is dead. I killed him. Wake up. _Please_ wake up."

"No," he snapped, and kicked his leg out to the side and back in an awkward position, shaking his head. "Let me go. Let me—" He jerked his arms like he was trying to punch someone, and let out an awful, high-pitched wail—keening, that was the only word Rey could think of to describe it.

She steeled herself, thought  _you're going to regret this,_ and crawled down in front of him, slipping between his arms and pressing the wet, cold cloth to his cheek. "Ben, wake _up_."

He cried out at the touch, drew back, and struck out wildly with both arms. His right fist caught her in the face with a stinging blow, his left missed completely. "No!" he shouted. " _No,_ leave me _alone_ —"

With great effort, Rey caught at the Force and pinned his arms down to his sides, his legs to the floor. Her left cheekbone ached like fire, and she knew it would be swollen by the morning. "Ben," she said. "Shh. You're safe."

He struggled against her, crying out and thrashing as she patted his face with the cold cloth and probed gently into his mind with the Force. He was somehow still asleep, trapped deeply in whatever nightmare he was experiencing, and she could sense the layers of consciousness. He didn't know he was dreaming. All he knew was whatever horror he was dreaming of.

She kept talking, trying to be soothing, stroking his face with the cloth and feeling for his pulse and breathing. He was sweating, his heart rate high, his neck and face flushed. "Ben," she whispered."Shh. Can you hear me yet?" He didn't answer, only groaned and strained backward and forward, trying to get loose.

Softly, she started to sing and hum the tune to "Mirrorbright", still the only lullaby she knew, and she'd forgotten a few words and lines, but the general tune was still there.

                _Mirrorbright, shines the moon, glowing soft as an ember,_  
                _When the moon is mirrorbright, take this time to remember,_  
 _Those you have loved but are gone,_  
 _Those who kept you safe and warm,_  
 _Mirrorbright moon mm-mm see,_  
 _Mmm—mm—mm ceased to be..._

Slowly, she sensed his heart rate falling, and his wide open, sightless eyes were peering left and right, tears tangling in his eyelashes. She could feel the nightmare slowly evaporating, the memory of the calming, familiar tune chasing something away.

                _Mirrorbright, shines the moon, mm-mm—mm as an ember,  
                Those you love are with you still, the moon will help you remember._

"Are you awake?" she asked softly, stroking his hair. "Hey. Ben? Do you know who I am?"

"Awake," he said distantly, head rolling up to find her. "Uh…'m awake."

"What's my name?" Rey asked, still dabbing his face and neck with the cold cloth.

"Mama," he said, and it hit her like a shot to the heart.

"I don't think you're quite awake yet," she said, and let up on the Force-restraints anyway. "Can you stand up for me? Let's get you into bed."

He stood up, obediently following her hands, and yanked off his remaining boot before shucking off his shirt and undoing the tie on his trousers, dropping them to the floor and nearly falling over them as he stepped out. Rey led him around to the side of the bed and pulled the blankets back. He sat down and hunched forward a little, blinking and swinging his head from side to side.

"Can you lie down?" she asked, and he squinted up at her.

"Rey?" he asked, like he wasn't quite sure.

"Yes?" she asked rather hesitantly.

"Why am I in my basics when I fell asleep in my clothes?"

"Oh, thank the Force, you're awake," she said heavily, and plopped down on the bed beside him. "Don't walk over to the storage area in bare feet yet. I dropped a glowlamp."

"You dropped a—" He frowned. "Why?"

"You don't remember the dream you were having?" Rey laid a hand on his shoulder.

"I—no. Rey, why is your cheek bright red?" He reached forward curiously, turning her gently by the chin.

"You hit me," she said. "But you didn't mean to," she added quickly, as his face went blank and immovable and he dropped his hand from her face as if her skin had burned him. "You were having a sleeping terror—you were screaming and thrashing around and yelling, and that's the _only_ punch you got in before I locked you down with the Force and tried to get you to calm down, and yes, I know it's normally useless to try to wake someone up but I couldn’t just let you sit there and—Ben?"

He stood up unsteadily, his hands working against his bare thighs, fingers clenching and unclenching. "I hurt you," he said, voice a monotone.

"You had no idea it was me." She tried to reach out, to get into his mind, but his walls were up, a smooth and immovable shining dark barrier between her and his emotions. "Ben. I'm fine. U'yi punched me in the arm, remember? It happens. You can't control it—you were _asleep_ , for Force sake—"

Outside, thunder rolled, and Ben jumped, then turned away, half-illuminated by the lamp. "I'm sorry," he murmured after a moment. "I'll—" he reached down, took the cloth, and headed to the fresher.

Rey waited, poking at the tender mark on her cheek, before he came back, the cloth freshly wet with icy water, and wordlessly knelt down, pressing the cold cloth to her cheek. "Oh, that feels good," she said, closing her eyes as the cold numbed the ache. She reached up and pressed her hand to his, holding his hand to her face. "Thanks."

"Well, what else am I supposed to do when I punch my own wife in the face during a nightmare?" He sounded bleak and miserably unhappy, and she squeezed his fingers.

"I was probably standing in for a terrifying monster. It's not your fault. Bet you he won't be back."

"It was Hux," he said softly, and she listened. "I—I think I remember. It was so real. He was—I was on the _Finalizer_ , and he was using the burncord on me, or making one of his men do it. He got in my face to sneer at me and someone was kicking me in the stomach, and I tried to hit him, but I didn't feel anything—and he had your head. It was your head, and I'd cut it off with my own saber."

Rey wanted to touch him, but felt he might shatter like a cold pane of transparisteel if she did; a hundred tiny shards like the glowlamp in the corner. His eyes had gone distant, looking through her to something else, and as he kept speaking, she didn't think he was talking about the dream anymore.

"Someone was—someone was stepping on me, on my legs. A torture droid sticking needles in my—my—it _burned_. It burned so much, it hurt, and I just wanted it to stop, and there was so much blood. And he liked it; that was the worst part. He liked it, and he wanted me disgraced and unmasked and naked and exposed. He wanted me to beg. And I wouldn't, and that made him angrier than anything else."

Perhaps, Rey thought, it was just as well she'd never seen the security tapes from the cell block that had been presented as bombshell evidence to the jury of the New Republic trial.

"Yes," he said, hearing her thoughts. "If you'd known, Force only knows what you would have done."

"I would have cut off his hands," said Rey, her voice even and steady. "Then his feet. Then his arms, then his legs, and left him alive long enough to see his precious fleet destroyed, and _then_ I would have let him die with his Order."

Ben's hands trembled, and he reached forward to cup her unbruised cheek with his left hand. "I know you would have," he whispered. "I know."

"Can we—" She closed her eyes, and let the Force say what words couldn't. _I just want to hold you. Please. Come to bed and hold me._

He hesitated, and she felt a flicker of shame. _I don't deserve it. You're hurt, and it's my fault._

"Please," she whispered, and he closed his eyes and nodded, once, slowly.

He crawled up on the bed and she lay on her right side so the cold cloth could sit on her cheek. Ben shuffled down and lay with his back to her chest, pulling the covers up, and she let her left arm slip around his waist, her right arm folded up against his back.

The sound of the pattering rain and distant thunder gradually strengthened, and Rey pressed a kiss to Ben's shoulder. "It's all right," she whispered.

He shifted and rolled, facing her, one big arm winding around her waist and pulling her in close and warm. "We'll go get a bacta patch as soon as the storm lets up," he promised, his fingers tracing along her jawline delicately. "And I'll let you beat me at staff practice for a week."

Rey fought a grin. "I already beat you every time at staff practice."

"True," he admitted, and kissed her forehead. "All right, then I'll handle saber training for a week and you can take over meditation hour. Deal?"

"Deal," Rey told him, and let her eyes close, listening to the rain pounding away on the roof.


	4. IV

They were floating. High out in the air, above the earth, the wind ruffling their hair as they rose, flying above the treetops.  Rey stretched out her hands and touched the clouds, softer than synthsilk or down. _This is beautiful,_ she called, exhilarated. _We're flying!_

 _Yes, we’re flying,_ said Ben, smiling at her from the other side of the cloud. _Catch me. We can go higher!_

She darted forward, both arms out, and saw him ascending higher and higher into the sky, which rippled and moved on the underside like water. Quickly, she pursued him. _I'll get you! I'll find you!_

He disappeared into the blue sky-water, and she plunged after him, headfirst. At first the thought she would drown, but she could breathe, and she pulled herself up and out of the water, finding herself in the cave. The cave on Ahch-To.

 _I know this place,_ she said, confused. Ben was nowhere to be seen, and the mirrored, glassy wall took up the entire cave, bigger than her, bigger than anything. She drew closer and touched it, and her hands sank into the wall before she was sucked through and hurtled head over heels into the void of space.

Below and above her, a ship was exploding, breaking up. She was floating in a field of stars and blood, no planet anywhere to be seen, only a dead field of asteroids and bones and dust. _Ben,_ she tried to call out, but her voice died in her throat. She had to find him. He'd been with her, hadn't he? Only a moment ago? It was urgent, horribly urgent that she find him, quickly; something terrible was happening, and dread crept into her throat. The red blood was soaking into her hands again, her clothing. _Ben! Ben!_

 _Stupid girl. He left you. He's never coming back for you._ The voice was horribly familiar. At first she thought it was Snoke, but as she turned to see who it was, she saw only a mirror of herself in the dull black glass of the cave. _He left you. He'll never come back._

 _No, I have to save him! I have to find him!_ Rey slammed her fists against the mirror, but her movements were slow and weak, as if she was underwater. _He has to come back!_ She began to cry, hysterically angry. _You're lying! He's coming back! He's coming back!_

With a jerk, she opened her eyes. She was lying on her back in bed, the sheets tangled around her legs, her upper body cold as ice. There was a deep, aching sensation between her legs, and Ben's hands were on her shoulders. "Hey," he said hoarsely, as if he'd just woken up.

She swallowed and sat up, feeling very disoriented. Unshed tears gathered in her eyes dripped down her cheeks, and she wiped them away with a shaking hand. "I'm awake now," she whispered. "Sorry I woke you."

"You were crying," he said, and sat up with her, one big warm hand gently stroking up and down her back. She closed her eyes and felt tears leak from under her eyelids, reveling in the touch of his hands, so grateful he was here, with her, and not lost.

"I dreamed you left me," she managed. "I dreamed I was alone on the Finalizer and couldn't find you. It was blowing up. You didn't come back."

"I'm here, sweetheart," he told her softly, and stroked the hair out of her face, tucking it behind her ear. "I'll always be here."

Rey let out a shaky sigh and huddled close to him, his left arm wrapping around her shoulders. "I didn't kick you or anything, did I?" she asked.

"No," he said, kissing the top of her head. "Just made a lot of crying noises and woke me up. Scared me, but that's all. It's all right."

She squinted at the chrono. "It's two in the morning," she mumbled. "I'm sorry. I know you have trouble getting back to sleep."

"There's nothing to be sorry for. Come down here," he said, and pulled her down to the bed, wrapping his arms around her and rubbing her chilled upper arms. Ben's fingers traced back and forth over the interlocked burn-scar high on her right arm, the one the Praetorian Guard had given her. He felt her skin began to warm. "There we go. Get some heat back into you. You were half out of the bed."

Rey bit her lower lip, very aware that the only heat getting back into her was _not_ the sort of heat that would help her sleep. She shifted, almost in pain. "Ben," she whispered, her head feeling as if it was full of fluff. It was hard to think. Her body had apparently reacted to the nightmare by putting her into a state of heightened arousal, and once the fear had receded it was all she could focus on.

"Hmm?" he said.

Her belly clenched. "I need you," she whispered, and his eyes narrowed slightly, brows drawn close together. She felt him reach out, probe at her body lightly with the Force, and his quick intake of breath told her he'd sensed it, too.

"Ah," he said awkwardly, and she rolled her hips toward him, pressing herself against the thick ridge behind his sleeping pants. "Oh, Force. Yes, I can feel it," he murmured, half-strained.

"Please," she panted, and grabbed at his waistband. "Ben—I need—"

"Yes," he said, and quickly divested himself of his pants and his basics as she yanked off hers, unable to stop herself from pressing her fingers just to the side of her center and rubbing. "Kriffing hell, Rey," he said, staring at her as she clutched at him with her other hand.

"I can't stop," she gasped, and pressed her mouth to his shoulder, groaning out her climax as it came quick and hard. "Oh, _kark_."

"Better?" he asked hesitantly.

"No," she said, eyes squeezed shut. The heat and feeling of desperate need was still there. "I'm so sorry—this has never happened before—"

"Let me," he whispered, and reached down, cupping her between her legs. "You're all swollen," he said wonderingly, and she whimpered and pressed her hips forward into his palm, her tissues making a softly squelching noise. "Like ripe fruit." He closed his eyes and pressed down gently, parting her flesh.

" _Ben_ ," she whined, and he bent down, his lips opening generously as his fingers slipped inside. She moaned and clutched at his thick, dark hair, the locks of it brushing her belly and thighs, as she heard him through the Force, his thoughts open for her to see as they rarely were: _Holy Force, she's wet.That noise is my favorite. If this doesn't work I'm going to have to resort to—mm—maybe taking her from behind so I can use my hands. Or maybe the Force. But we'll try first things first._ His dark eyes flashed up at her from behind his tousled hair. _Damn me, she's beautiful._

With a cry, Rey came hard, fingers clenched in the bedsheets and Ben's hair. He lifted his head and kissed her gently on her mound, just above her cleft, before sitting back on his heels and wiping his wet face. "How's that?" he asked. 

Rey propped herself up on her elbows. "A little better," she admitted. "But let's do that—that thing you were thinking about."

"Oh, _yes_ ," he said eagerly, and crawled forward to her. She rolled over, her backside raised slightly, and he fumbled for a moment before sliding himself directly home and groaning, one big hand on her belly and the other clamped down on her left wrist. " _Damn_ me, you're wet," he gasped,leaning forward so that his chest touched her back. "All right. Keep your hips right where they are." He lowered his right hand and rubbed gently at her cleft, just at the top where the most sensitive part of her resided, and she jerked, letting out a strangled cry.

"Ben, please," she managed, her right hand clutching at his wrist. "Move your kriffing— _hips_ —"

He pressed his forehead to her shoulder and obeyed. Rey let out a crazy, full-throated shriek and braced her legs, trembling as every thrust coincided with a well-placed press of his fingers. "Shh," Ben panted, feeling her innermost walls clamping down around him as he moved his hands.

Rey felt like she was losing her mind. She rocked back into him, desperately trying to time it so that he would press deeper and harder, but misjudged and he slipped out. _"No,_ " she wailed, scrabbling behind her for his body. She wanted him to hold her down. To take her hard and fast and slam every memory of loss out of her brain. She wanted—

" _Shhhhh_ ," he hissed, and she knew he'd heard her; Ben pushed her down flat onto her stomach and held her there while he slipped between her thighs and re-entered, a different angle that made both of them groan. He laid himself flat on her back and scraped the loose locks of hair out of her eyes as he began to move again. "Rey," he said roughly, his voice gone hoarse. "Rey, look at me."

Her eyes found him, her face on its right side, left cheek up. "Be-e-en," she moaned, her body bouncing slightly with every thrust he gave her, and he sensed she had fallen into her rhythm, a throbbing tide about to carry her away. Through the Force came a thought, so quick he almost thought he imagined it: _choke me._

 _Are you sure?_ Ben kept moving, hands pinning her in place.

 _Yes, damn you. Please._ There was a mingled mess of a desire to trust and a need he couldn't put words to but recognized immediately, and he reached out with the Force and pressed gently, not wanting to hurt her, compressing her windpipe with as much force as he dared. There was a soft, reedy whistle from her mouth, and then nothing as her eyes rolled back in her head and she began to approach her climax, quicker than he'd thought.

"I love you," he said, bending to kiss her cheek. "I'm here, and I have you safe. You won't ever be alone." He was fast approaching his own end, and with it, verbal incoherency; he clenched his thighs and prayed he wouldn't finish before she was done. "Always," he gasped. "I—Rey—ah— _ngh_ —"

Rey clenched down hard around him just as he began to come, and her whole body shook with effort as he released her throat and she shouted muffled words into the pillow that he was sure would have peeled the skin off a bantha. Ben let out a few choice words of his own as he hit his peak, buried to the hilt in her body; then collapsed atop her back, panting.

"Heavy," Rey managed hoarsely, a few minutes later, and Ben realized he'd forgotten exactly how big he was compared to her. He muttered a half-coherent apology and rolled off her, one arm draped across her waist as both of them tried to breathe normally.

After several minutes, Rey peeled herself off the sheets and looked down. "Erm," she said, and flushed. "I made a bit of a mess."

Ben chuckled. "It's laundry day tomorrow anyway. Come here." He looked her over. "Is your throat all right? I didn't hurt you, did I?"

She grinned and scooted off the sodden linens on the left side of the bed into a dry spot near him, and curled up, her head on his chest. "No. I'm all right. I…I liked it. Very much. Thank you," she said softly, and cleared her throat.

"You feel better?" he asked, looking over and down at the top of her head.

"Yes," Rey told him, eyes closed. "Is it still snowing?"

"I think so." He kissed her forehead, and she tucked her chin down to his chest. Her lips pressed against one of his vibroblade scars, and he let his hand trace down her back. "It's all right," he said gently. "I'm here."

"I know," she said, and got closer, her body pressed up against his at full length. "Let's go back to sleep."

"Yes, let's," he said; but he stayed awake, fighting sleep until long after she was peacefully breathing, soft and slow in his arms, watching her closely for any sign of a returning nightmare until the early morning sunlight broke through the window and bathed them both in the pale glow of a new winter day.


End file.
